What are the most important connections & relationships in your life?
I have been thinking of this often lately, and this topic seems to come up in conversations frequently, so I was inspired to share some of my stories and thoughts with you - do you resonate?
My family was visiting me from Canada recently and we had an amazing time together - they really enjoyed seeing London and parts of the UK. We packed in too much perhaps as they left with blisters and sore throats, London/travelling can take its toll!
I was feeling sad after they left to the airport because them being here reminded me of how important connection is and how utterly grounding, secure and meaningful it can feel, especially being around your family and loved ones.
I live here in UK without my family and it is not easy. I chose this life though, to wander the globe and settle somewhere I could pursue opportunity within my dream career, still travel easily, and have access to a visa to live and work.
Being foreign is not easy, I mentioned this in my previous post about community - how important it is to build, especially as a foreigner without family or friends from all the school and uni years, and all those other connections (jobs, random meetings etc..) you have along the way of life in a place where you grow up.
It's super scary moving somewhere where you only know a couple of people - and trying to make friends that actually include you in things as an adult is tough. As a foreigner you tend to make friends with other foreigners, and sadly they usually leave and then you have to start all over! I used to live in Australia too, and eventually left because all my friends did and I was very much alone after 2 years of living there, not a nice feeling.
Pre-pandemic, I only had a few friends here that I could rely on, that would invite me to events like birthdays or weekend brunch (when I saw a few I mean like 2 or 3). Usually new friends who already have their own busy life could only catch up here and there so I was never really integrated into any friends group, and always felt like an outsider - I still do feel like an outsider if I’m totally honest with you. Maybe that’s on me though as I have a super socially demanding job and at the end of the day just want to be alone. My introverted side is crying desperately for solitude as a yoga teacher who works 6 days a week! Should I work less? Yes definitely. Can I afford to realistically?! Not if I want to maintain a comfortable lifestyle….a fine balance needs striking and it’s still a work in progress.
I see the importance of building connections through colleagues here - there are so many people who move to London from elsewhere and don't know anyone, so work colleagues are the perfect way to make new friends and feel a sense of belonging. If you're like me though, self employed, its a double whammy for being isolated. I still keep in touch with some of the friends I made through work when I first moved to London - I worked at a restaurant in Dalston called Rotorino (it’s not there anymore :(), and at on online furniture retailer called Swoon Editions - making a bit of money while I tried my luck at teaching yoga (I had the awesome job of sending out fabric samples for couches!)
I don't want you to feel sorry for me, just to know that if you're in a similar position, then you're not alone! I’m sure my fellow foreigners know this feeling well - loneliness - you’re kinda just here and no you don’t have the option to drive a few hours to visit relatives/family/old friends.
What I’ve learned so far:
→ It is so important to prioritise building real connections with others, more than just acquaintance type relationships, don’t drown yourself in work and forget about/neglect your actual real life.
→ We all need people who we can confide in, who we can talk to our problems about, and in return lend an ear.
→ We all need people who care about us, and notice if we're not around.
I recognised how lonely I actually was during the lockdowns, because I had no choice but to sit by myself. It was very confronting and painful. My places of work closed instantly I realised how dependent I was on work for my whole social life… and not many of these people knew me outside of the workplace - so no, no one knew much about me. Feeling like this is debilitating, you feel so unworthy and unwanted/unneeded, and it really wears on your mental health. I love my job and the connections I build through it, but when the studios closed I realised how very alone I was.
I was really worried about my mental health, and even though I sunk into feelings of despair, I dug myself out of it with my yoga practice and putting an effort into reaching out to people. I vowed to focus on building stronger friendships and meaningful relationships, and also dating, so I could really build my own life here that didn't just revolve around work. I kinda had a blueprint for this work because of previous trauma I had worked through (still working through) and knew if I didn’t try to change my situation, no one would, and if I didn’t change it, it would only get worse - and I did not want to go down that road, I’ve already been there.
Building real friendhsips as an adult foreigner is tough. You ask people to do things and sometimes they say yes, and then sometimes they postpone it, and it can really hurt because that could have been potentially a lifeline to my entire social life in London…after a few tries you give up right? I mean there’s only so much rejection one can take, and even though it may not have really been a rejection - it stings, alone again for another weekend in a global city with millions of people…great…I guess I’ll try the apps and swipe away at people.
During lockdown though I realised I had the gift of time back - I became quite close to a few other yoga teachers and some people I met in my classes - we had the time to lean on each other and really become friends, these people are now my closest friends in London. A very beautiful thing to come out of the pandemic!
Dating is another story - it’s tough isn’t it? There are so many ups and downs, and figuring out what you want (and don't want) in a long term partner is a whole other level. You think you know what you want, but it turns out the type you’re attracted to are uncaring jerks. FFF. Need to let go of just attraction and look for qualities other human beings have that say ‘long term potential’ or ‘run away fast’. Figuring out where others are at in their lives to see if you're even on the same page about the future takes time, trial and error, and a whole lotta disappointment along the way.
This is another area I put more effort into during the pandemic. The heartbreaks I experienced were so worth it to be where I am now with my boyfriend. I remember breaking up with someone else about a month before I met my current long term boyfriend, and being so sad and crying and feeling like I’ll never meet anyone. I was 36 - when would it ever happen for me? Turns out you just gotta keep dating - and thankfully I didn’t quit (I could have quit SO MANY TIMES because of all the dating shit that single people face!!) I now have a connection that is unreal, an actually really nice and honest person who is also fun and hilarious and understands/tolerates my ridiculous behaviour and unwillingness to conform to conventional adulthood, but is also grounded and keeps me in check. It’s the type of connection that people say they have ‘when you know, you know’ - I don’t have to make any excuses for behaviours anymore, or try to rationalise or figure out if they even like me, it’s just really easy and lovely. The connection we have is very important to me because he is my family here now.
My mom, sister and nephews visiting me recently, and then leaving, highlighted how important those real connections are - to loved ones, to family and good friends - and how profoundly their presence makes you feel - needed, worthy and loved - and also what it feels like when they leave - a bit empty, knowing you won't see them again for a long time because they are a very very long way away
I know many of you may resonate with these feelings/experiences of living as a foreigner because many of you that come to my classes and keep in touch with me are foreign as well. It's a bond we share that can't really be fully realised unless you've lived in a similar situation.
Lastly, I want to mention the most important connection - your connection to yourself.
Ultimately this is the most important because we're gonna be with ourselves more than any other person, we need to find a way to appreciate that connection and value it. We need to value ourselves to really be able to value our other relationships. I've read about this my whole life 'you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else' and I really feel like I understand that now at the age of 39. It took a while but I got there - and it took a ton of very hard, confronting work - on myself.
I got there through yoga & meditation, by wandering the world by myself, through the ups and downs of dating, through deep and challenging conversations and doing the hard work to eventually love myself, faults and all - and it's still a work in progress.
Yoga provides a way to tune inwards and get to know YOU on the deepest level. Yoga has provided the deepest and most profound healing I have ever experienced. Yoga led me to love, appreciate and value myself, coming from a place of trauma, depression, anxiety, self loathing and zero confidence. Yes I have experienced all of these things.
I wasn't comfortable with talking therapy and have always been a loner/not great at expressing my feelings, so yoga helped me to heal without having to talk much, and to find out that I am valued and worthy by looking inwards.
You have to become really comfortable with yourself to experience profound meditation, a ton of healing has happened here, no words can express the emotional release I’ve received from meditation.
You don’t have to hold onto everything so tightly, everything can be lighter and easier with this practice as part of your life. I don’t mean life will be easy, I mean that it will be easier.
Life is hard, let’s face it - meditation and yoga practices help lighten the load. They really really do.
I used to think yoga would save me, and it has in so many ways - but you need more than your yoga practice. You need to allow others in and be able to lean on them, be vulnerable and vice versa. You need connection. We all do.
We are all in this life together and connection is where its at. Yoga philosophy books say that the answer is love, expanding love for you and all those around you, BUT without needing that love to define your own self worth - detachment.
You'll find this in yoga - especially during meditation, feeling the love the surrounds you in your meditation seat is pretty remarkable - if you're not meditating yet, why not?
I have free guided meditations on my youtube channel and website if you want some help here.
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